now that Christmas is done...

Now is time to start thinking about my next goal...
Like most women, I want to loose weight, not just to look better but to also improve my health. There is a lot of diabetes in my family and there was a health scare recently that shook me to my core. My father had a stroke at the end of October and is still not back to work. I have already been going to the gym but I haven't been watching my diet as closely as I should.

Now I don't want to be one of those stick thin women that you see on TV and in magazines...and I know I would never be like one of them because I have too many curves already. My chest is not small, I have played sports most of my life so my thighs are larger, and my calves are no where near normal in size but I can confidently say that it is the one part of my body that does not have a drop of fat on them. I only know this because while doing another weight loss program, they would measure my calves each week, and they never changed in size...ever.

I want to loose at least 50 to 75 pounds...I know that some people may say that it is too much or too hard of a goal to strive for but if I only loose 50, I would be happy and would be closer to my ideal weight. If I loose 75, I will be closer to my ideal weight of 123 based on my height and frame size.

I have a goal...I have a plan...and I have a way to track my progress. I don't want to loose weight quickly because I want it to stay off. I am going to start South Beach again for two reasons...first is because my husband is a Celiac and it is a very Celiac friendly diet and secondly, because I already have books and recipes. I will be going to the gym daily and working out for at least 45 minutes per day, first thing in the morning. In the evening, my goal is to do Jillian Michael's 30 day shred daily and will also be going skating or walking every day. I think by doing these activities, I will be able to get down to a sensible weight in no time.

I want to be around to see my son get married, I want to be around to teach my grandchildren how to skate, I want to be around for a while...

Christmas time...

Why does it seem that Christmas time is becoming more and more about what you get? I have to admit that I enjoy giving gifts to my family because I love to see the look on their face when they open the gift and see that they are truly surprised and enjoy what I have thoughtfully picked out for them.

I for one hate the "Christmas list" concept. I get asked every year "what is on your list" and I can never think of anything more than a pair of gloves, a scarf or a hat. Is it because I am not a needy person? Could it be it is because I am not a diva or a person who is spoiled beyond belief? I don't know.

I enjoy trying to figure out what people would like, what they are into and really think about the gift I am giving instead of just picking up what they have asked. I don't often ask my son what he wants for Christmas but each and every year he truly appreciates anything he receives (with the exception for the red mitts but that is for another time).  I know that my youngest niece is a real girly girl who loves baby dolls, dresses and monkeys, my next youngest niece plays hockey and is an artistic type of person. My son enjoys reading, graphic novels, photography, Star Wars books & movies as well as Alien/Preditor. He used to enjoy K'nex and Harry Potter, well, he actually still likes Harry Potter. The point is that I have gotten to know my family and can choose a gift without asking them. I was looking for something to pamper my mother in law with, like a gift certificate to Oasis spa or something but instead I get told exactly what she would like and even where to get it...where is the fun in that.

I also enjoy spending time with my family over the holidays but that has also become more of a chore than it should be. Every Christmas Eve we spend with my dad's side of the family, and have done so for as long as I can remember. Christmas Morning I go over to my in-law's house to open gifts. Christmas Dinner is also at my inlaw's so we are back there again in the afternoon. Boxing day is where it gets to be a bit of a mess. My mother-in-law's family often gets together on Boxing day for dinner and a few ends of curling and every year my husband doesn't want to go. He really doesn't like curling at all. Also, I used to spend Boxing day with my mom and the rest of my family, but they seem to get pushed back each year...why.

There were a few years where my mother and sisters were invited to my in-law's for Christmas Dinner - what a great idea, killed two birds with one stone...but it was short lived and I don't remember why. It could have been that someone spilled something on the carpet or my father-in-law could handle the chaos a 3 year old brings - who knows anymore. The point is that now my mother has been bumped from the "Christmas Dinner" and they are looking to bump her from Boxing Day as well. At least this year we got it figured out and will be going to my mom's for Boxing Day Brunch...could this be the solution?

Maybe next year I will spend Christmas in the Caribbean!

The past and a new beginning...

There used to be more posts on this blog but after what happened to a friend of mine, which was totally unjust in my opinion, I removed them so nothing can be misinterpreted. This is a fresh start, a place for me to either get things off my chest that happened long ago or even amusing things I have seen recently. Today, however, will be a journey into the past...

After I dropped Bren off at his dad's house, I have a long drive where I can think or remember, just have time to myself. Today I started thinking about the past...things that have happened...the good and the bad. I remember that I have had my heart broken twice, and I know that I have broken someones heart at least once.

I started to remember my first love...I was about 16 when I met him and you could feel the energy between us from the start. At that time, he was exactly the type of guy that I would have pictured and if I told you now, you would all laugh but here goes...he looked like a biker. He was extremely kind and had a heart of gold, treating me like a princess in every sense. I was head over heels for him and we stayed together for about 18 months if I remember correctly. When we broke up - I think it was because he was moving to Toronto to be a photographer - and it broke my heart. I was a wreck for months after he left...I think it was worse because of why it ended...only because he left.

Then I started to think of the next chapter...I knew him since we were in Jr. High but didn't know him well. We met each other by "accident" literally, and started to date just after his birthday and we were together for almost 4 years but then I ended it...I think I broke his heart and I feel really bad for it but we had grown apart and I needed to move on. I had no idea that I was about to enter another relationship where my heart would be hurt all over again, this time by "J". He probably had no idea that I was falling for him as much as I was but he went ahead and started an affair...or so I was told.

Here is were it got strange...my first love, the photographer, came back into my life. Since we had broken up about 5 or 6 years earlier, we had seen each other a few times and picked up where we left off only to go our separate ways again. This time, we were both single again and started dating, life was good but he was my "rebound" guy from my last relationship. I had a wedding social to go to for some friends and I asked my first love to go with me...I knew that my previous man would be there and I couldn't face him alone. I felt great and thought I was looking great too...I was close to the slimmest I had every been and had borrowed a great skirt from my bff and bought a killer top...I was ready to hit the dance floor.

Here is the part that not many people know about me, I can be vindictive! I wanted this "J" to feel like he made a mistake, I wanted "J" to want me back...I wanted "J" to hurt. More than anything, I wanted to feel like I was the one in control!

After the social, I moved in with the "photographer" and things were going well for a while...but then they started to shift. As I left work one night, "J" was there and told me that he wanted to talk and get back together but I told him that the ship had sailed and he hurt me bad and that was the end of that. Things were changing with the "photographer" and he started to get controlling and it was scaring the crap out of me. I had been controlled before and I was not going to live the rest of my life like that. He gave me shit one day for not being able to get in touch with me while I was at the apartment...he was very angry but looking back, I understand why...there was a stabbing close to our place and he was worried. It got to the point that I felt I couldn't do anything without his permission...that was it, I was done. This time I was the one who left and I never looked back.

Sometimes I wonder if I broke his heart...if he felt the pain I had the first time he left? We had a history of finding each other when we were both single...would that every happen again? I haven't seen him since that day, to the best of my knowledge, he may have seen me but never said anything. If we were both single would we find each other again...I doubt it. I have grown so much since that day and have since found the real love of my life...

Why I am the way I am

So lately I have been thinking about why I am the way I am...and I have no idea, but I have changed over the years.

I used to be one of those people that were consistantly surrounded by others. We would hang out and do whatever tickled our fancy at the time, which after we got older meant going to the bar for the night. When we would head out, it wasn't necessarily to get plastered, in fact sometimes we had almost no money at all, it was just a time we would all get together and dance the night away. We would spend most of the night on the dance floor, dancing our asses off and of course flirting with guys that were watching us. Lisa and I were especially famous (or should I say infamous) for our flirting, but we were in no way sluts. We just felt that we looked good and if a guy wanted to pay attention to us, well then we would flirt back. Thinking back, that sounds kinda shallow, but we were just feeling really good about our selves and were on top of the world, and that was more than 20 years ago.

Now, I spend more time by myself than I ever have in the past. I am not alone because there is almost always someone else here with me, but I spend more time in solitude and it doesn't bother me at all. I find that kinda suprising that I have taken this 180 degree turn in my life. Is it because I am more satisfied with the way my life is now?

I have always been a shy person, until you got to know me. Many people don't think that is true but it is, I could never go up to someone I don't know and start up a conversation, I never had the guts and I still don't. Once you get to know me, I can be outgoing...but not until then. When I was younger, I always had to have people around me and I had many friends, but why? Could it be because when I had people around that liked me for me, I had to spend less time with my mother who always belittled me and put me down? Was it because then I felt accepted instead of regected? Why was this always so important to me?

I was very active when I was in my late teens and early twenties...playing beach volleyball, going dancing at least 3 times a week, heading to the bar or socials every weekend, and having a great time with all my friends around. Now I barely go out to the bar (like once a year) and hardly every go to a social, but when I do, I have a blast, dancing the night away with friends. But I still wonder...why the change? I am in a great relationship with some one I love deeply and passionately which makes me feel accepted and wanted on a daily basis. Even when he is watching sports and I am on the computer, I still feel like he wants me around. I also have a great kid who makes me feel like I'm wanted and needed as well. Could it be that this is why I am more content to stay home with my family...because I have finally achieved what I always desired...true love, devotion and acceptance?