Why I am the way I am

So lately I have been thinking about why I am the way I am...and I have no idea, but I have changed over the years.

I used to be one of those people that were consistantly surrounded by others. We would hang out and do whatever tickled our fancy at the time, which after we got older meant going to the bar for the night. When we would head out, it wasn't necessarily to get plastered, in fact sometimes we had almost no money at all, it was just a time we would all get together and dance the night away. We would spend most of the night on the dance floor, dancing our asses off and of course flirting with guys that were watching us. Lisa and I were especially famous (or should I say infamous) for our flirting, but we were in no way sluts. We just felt that we looked good and if a guy wanted to pay attention to us, well then we would flirt back. Thinking back, that sounds kinda shallow, but we were just feeling really good about our selves and were on top of the world, and that was more than 20 years ago.

Now, I spend more time by myself than I ever have in the past. I am not alone because there is almost always someone else here with me, but I spend more time in solitude and it doesn't bother me at all. I find that kinda suprising that I have taken this 180 degree turn in my life. Is it because I am more satisfied with the way my life is now?

I have always been a shy person, until you got to know me. Many people don't think that is true but it is, I could never go up to someone I don't know and start up a conversation, I never had the guts and I still don't. Once you get to know me, I can be outgoing...but not until then. When I was younger, I always had to have people around me and I had many friends, but why? Could it be because when I had people around that liked me for me, I had to spend less time with my mother who always belittled me and put me down? Was it because then I felt accepted instead of regected? Why was this always so important to me?

I was very active when I was in my late teens and early twenties...playing beach volleyball, going dancing at least 3 times a week, heading to the bar or socials every weekend, and having a great time with all my friends around. Now I barely go out to the bar (like once a year) and hardly every go to a social, but when I do, I have a blast, dancing the night away with friends. But I still wonder...why the change? I am in a great relationship with some one I love deeply and passionately which makes me feel accepted and wanted on a daily basis. Even when he is watching sports and I am on the computer, I still feel like he wants me around. I also have a great kid who makes me feel like I'm wanted and needed as well. Could it be that this is why I am more content to stay home with my family...because I have finally achieved what I always desired...true love, devotion and acceptance?