There used to be more posts on this blog but after what happened to a friend of mine, which was totally unjust in my opinion, I removed them so nothing can be misinterpreted. This is a fresh start, a place for me to either get things off my chest that happened long ago or even amusing things I have seen recently. Today, however, will be a journey into the past...
After I dropped Bren off at his dad's house, I have a long drive where I can think or remember, just have time to myself. Today I started thinking about the past...things that have happened...the good and the bad. I remember that I have had my heart broken twice, and I know that I have broken someones heart at least once.
I started to remember my first love...I was about 16 when I met him and you could feel the energy between us from the start. At that time, he was exactly the type of guy that I would have pictured and if I told you now, you would all laugh but here goes...he looked like a biker. He was extremely kind and had a heart of gold, treating me like a princess in every sense. I was head over heels for him and we stayed together for about 18 months if I remember correctly. When we broke up - I think it was because he was moving to Toronto to be a photographer - and it broke my heart. I was a wreck for months after he left...I think it was worse because of why it ended...only because he left.
Then I started to think of the next chapter...I knew him since we were in Jr. High but didn't know him well. We met each other by "accident" literally, and started to date just after his birthday and we were together for almost 4 years but then I ended it...I think I broke his heart and I feel really bad for it but we had grown apart and I needed to move on. I had no idea that I was about to enter another relationship where my heart would be hurt all over again, this time by "J". He probably had no idea that I was falling for him as much as I was but he went ahead and started an affair...or so I was told.
Here is were it got strange...my first love, the photographer, came back into my life. Since we had broken up about 5 or 6 years earlier, we had seen each other a few times and picked up where we left off only to go our separate ways again. This time, we were both single again and started dating, life was good but he was my "rebound" guy from my last relationship. I had a wedding social to go to for some friends and I asked my first love to go with me...I knew that my previous man would be there and I couldn't face him alone. I felt great and thought I was looking great too...I was close to the slimmest I had every been and had borrowed a great skirt from my bff and bought a killer top...I was ready to hit the dance floor.
Here is the part that not many people know about me, I can be vindictive! I wanted this "J" to feel like he made a mistake, I wanted "J" to want me back...I wanted "J" to hurt. More than anything, I wanted to feel like I was the one in control!
After the social, I moved in with the "photographer" and things were going well for a while...but then they started to shift. As I left work one night, "J" was there and told me that he wanted to talk and get back together but I told him that the ship had sailed and he hurt me bad and that was the end of that. Things were changing with the "photographer" and he started to get controlling and it was scaring the crap out of me. I had been controlled before and I was not going to live the rest of my life like that. He gave me shit one day for not being able to get in touch with me while I was at the apartment...he was very angry but looking back, I understand why...there was a stabbing close to our place and he was worried. It got to the point that I felt I couldn't do anything without his permission...that was it, I was done. This time I was the one who left and I never looked back.
Sometimes I wonder if I broke his heart...if he felt the pain I had the first time he left? We had a history of finding each other when we were both single...would that every happen again? I haven't seen him since that day, to the best of my knowledge, he may have seen me but never said anything. If we were both single would we find each other again...I doubt it. I have grown so much since that day and have since found the real love of my life...
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